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The 9 happiness myths that are probably ruining your life.
If I got a penny for each time a potential client wished for more happiness in their life, I'd probably be able to buy myself a Big Mac.
I say 'potential' clients because those who work with me soon find out that the word happiness is more or less banned during our sessions. Along with a few other vague concepts like purpose and passion, happiness has become a catch-all for everything we think we want in life but have become too hazy, or too lazy, to define.
Even the Dalai Lama didn't help by stating that "the very purpose of life is to be happy." Never count on your spiritual leaders for practical advice. Not that I blame anyone for seeking more happiness. It's just that social media and consumer brands push a rather toxic version of it, one that focuses on feeling well rather than living well. Here are some reframes I've found useful for shifting the most unhelpful beliefs about happiness, purpose and passion.
Redefining happiness
Myth 1: Happiness is the natural state of humans. This says happiness is always there, just clouded by our emotions, and that once we let go of negativity we slip back into bliss. Lovely words for the end of a yoga class, but hardly the lived experience of anyone who's ever been born. It also creates guilt: if you feel unhappy, you must not be trying hard enough.
Myth 2: Happiness means feeling good. Happiness isn't perpetual bliss. Feelings ebb and flow constantly, and for the most part we don't control that. This myth encourages us to chase pleasure and avoid pain, which quickly degenerates into hedonism and escapism. A better definition: to live a rich, full and meaningful life in which we allow ourselves to feel the full range of human emotions, positive and negative.
Myth 3: If you're not happy, there's something wrong with you. Notice how sadness, fear and melancholy are increasingly pathologised? This toxic-positivity myth encourages people to diagnose themselves with poor mental health, when feeling bad some of the time is an unavoidable part of being human. As long as you hold on to the idea that happiness is about feeling good, you'll never experience it for very long.
Just as they say love is a verb, so is happiness. It involves doing things that feel purposeful and behaving in line with your values. In the words of Nathaniel Hawthorne: "Happiness is like a butterfly. If you pursue it, it will always be just beyond your grasp. But if you sit down quietly, it might just alight upon you."
Redefining purpose
Myth 1: We're born with a single purpose, and it's our lifelong job to find it. Whatever your beliefs, it's unhelpful, and a little narcissistic, to assume you were planted on Earth to fulfil some divine mission. What most people are really after is a greater sense of positive impact, on their family, their community, or the world. I like Mark Manson's definition: purpose is anything you can do with your time that feels important.
Myth 2: Purpose is static. Your sense of purpose changes over time. What matters to you now is allowed to be different from what mattered in your twenties or thirties.
Myth 3: Finding your purpose solves everything. Having a sense of purpose doesn't banish doubt and uncertainty. There will still be unmotivated days. It won't negate the occasional existential boredom, but it does let you snap out of it more quickly.
So instead of "How do I find my purpose?", ask "How do I create more of it?". Instead of "Why am I here?", ask "Now that I'm here, how can I make the best use of my time?".
Forget about passion
Myth 1: Passion is an essential ingredient for motivation. It isn't. The real ingredients for motivation are autonomy (having some control over your responsibilities), capability (feeling competent), and connection (getting on with the people around you).
Myth 2: Everyone else has a passion. Partly true. Research shows most people have a passion for something, but only a tiny minority have one that can be linked to work. So best of luck becoming a professional soap carver.
Myth 3: People who love their jobs got them by following their passion. It's mostly the other way around. People tend to become passionate about their work once they get really good at it. As Cal Newport argues in So Good They Can't Ignore You, building genuine skill is what eventually earns you work that's autonomous, creative and impactful. So if you want to like what you do a little more, start by getting very, very good at something.
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