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Solitude: three surprising ways to quiet the noise.
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." — Blaise Pascal
Here's a strange thing about modern life: many of us get very little social time and yet almost no real solitude either. That's because solitude isn't the same as being alone. In his book Digital Minimalism, Cal Newport defines it as "a subjective state where your mind is completely free from the input of other minds."
Think about how rare that actually is. Not having your thoughts hijacked by someone else's agenda, even for a few minutes a day. Because it's an internal state, it doesn't depend on your surroundings: you can find solitude people-watching in a busy cafe, but reading a novel on your break doesn't count, because you're still taking in someone else's mind. Scrolling, podcasts, even music with lyrics, none of it qualifies, because you're drowning out your own thoughts with someone else's input.
Remembering who you are
Solitude got a bad reputation partly thanks to Freud, who linked it with anxiety and depression. His contemporary Nietzsche took the opposite view, seeing it as a gateway to self-knowledge and a way to escape the social pressures we live under.
In my work as a coach, I often speak to people who want to step out of decisions they now realise were made under peer pressure or family expectation. One thing I suggest is removing themselves from their social context more regularly. Spending time in solitude helps you check back in with your own identity and the things you actually want, rather than what the herd wants for you. It's an essential step towards crafting a life that's yours and not someone else's. As the sociologist Jack Fong put it, solitude can be especially worthwhile in a crisis: it forces you to confront who you are, and to see more clearly the things that aren't serving you.
Calm versus bored: the paradox of solitude
We spend much of the day in a state of fairly high arousal, our nervous system flooding the brain with neurotransmitters in response to stimuli, positive (excitement, alertness) or negative (anger, anxiety). Stepping away from all that interaction has a de-regulating effect: it lowers both, which is why quiet contemplation leaves you calmer and more creative and takes the edge off anger. The catch is that the same de-regulation can leave you feeling bored or lonely, because our brains are meaning-making machines that like to be stimulated.
So we seek out solitude to feel calm and often end up restless instead. When we finally sit with our thoughts, things come up, emotions we'd been outrunning. One study found most people would rather give themselves an electric shock than sit alone with their own thoughts. Worth saying: solitude is only beneficial when it's voluntary and you can step out of it whenever you like. Otherwise it tips into isolation, which is a different and more harmful thing.
Introducing more solitude, the easy way
Most of us are solitude-deprived simply because we no longer give our minds time to disengage. Smartphones have made it harder still. Here are three ways to build more of it in, starting today.
1. No screens for the first thirty minutes of the day
Instead of letting something hijack your mood the moment you open your eyes, keep the phone on airplane mode for the first half hour. And I mean zero screens. Imagine waking, showering and eating breakfast while doing nothing but letting your mind wander. Done daily, it may do more for your anxiety than any quick fix. I prefer a full hour, but start with thirty minutes if that makes it more likely you'll stick with it.
2. A daily fifteen-minute personal brainstorm
When did you last stare out of a window and simply let your thoughts float past, nothing to do and nowhere to be? Sit somewhere quiet and watch the connections your brain makes. Some will be pleasant, some less so, and that's fine, because leaning into that discomfort is often where the clarity is. Keep a pen and paper handy to note anything interesting, which also helps create a little distance between you and your thoughts.
3. Take yourself on a solitude date once a week
Get your diary out and block one hour in the next seven days for solitude. A walk in the woods, or a commute without headphones, the point is to reserve a proper stretch of time where your thinking isn't penetrated by anyone else's. Set an intention to think about a particular topic, or just let your mind run free as a kite. Phone off.
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